I guess I’m just typing whatever comes to mind on here since I’m bored and can’t really sleep. Haven’t been able to sleep much at all lately, except during the day.
I’m not exactly sure if it’s because of my meds or not, to be honest. I’m aware my sleep schedule is off, but when has it ever been normal? I feel like I haven’t slept like a normal human being since my parents put me to sleep every night when I was little. And even then I never went right to sleep anyways. I had a very specific set of stuffed animals I slept with (one of which still sleeps in bed with me now), and I would play with them for however long until I was too tired to go so anymore and would fall right asleep.
I don’t do that anymore (although it sounds like fun), but my imagination or just my brain and its awesome thought generator never seem to shut down whenever the sun sets. It’s like my brain is lunar powered or something.
I think of all sorts of things. I often think about the past…. but I guess so does everyone when they’re alone with their thoughts. I wouldn’t say there’s anything I’d change, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a lot of regrets. What I’ve done in my life (both good and bad things) have made me who I am, and for once in my life I can say I like myself well enough. It’s taken years to get to that point.
I think about my family a lot. I love them so much that it doesn’t even feel like real life sometimes. It’s like some Lifetime movie bullshit or something, really. What I regret most in life is how I treated them throughout middle school and high school. I do often feel like I would want to take all of that back, but if I did I wouldn’t have learned as much as I have about forgiveness and letting go of anger. I think those are important things that everyone should learn.
I used to be so angry all the time. I hated everything and everyone. I hated my family, I hated school, I was always angry at my friends… but I was mostly angry at myself. I hated myself the most too. I would have done anything to get out of my own brain. Sometimes I still feel that way, but it’s a rarity now, and I’m ecstatic about that.
I can still remember when I first started taking my Prozac. Getting out of bed in the morning to go to school didn’t make me want to vomit, and everything just seemed so fucking fantastic. I remember thinking that toast was amazing. I don’t even like toast that much. Most importantly, I didn’t feel as angry, and I didn’t want to die anymore. That didn’t mean I was all sunshine and rainbows (I’m still not), but I didn’t feel like life was a complete and total waste. That’s a pretty damn good thing.